


Isolation

by Misfitz



Category: Banana Bus Squad, Gay baby gang, The Misfits (Podcast), Video Blogging RPF, gbg
Genre: All ships are platonic but can be read as romantic, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Good Friends, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, John is big depresso, Kryoz & Smii7y centric, Loneliness, Mostly a chatfic tbh, Near suicide attempt, So many people appear in this it is unreal, Technically not really but it gets close, but he gets better dw, like real big, wholesome bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 04:30:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19456387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misfitz/pseuds/Misfitz
Summary: Isolation.Isolation is a lot of things. It’s something people do when those around them are dangerous, or when they need some alone time. It’s also used as a torture tactic-- humans are fundamentally social creatures, and depriving them of human contact is an easy way to break one’s psyche. To watch them slowly devolve into insanity, into fear and sleeplessness, into having hallucinations and crying themselves to sleep.For John, it’s a lot like that, except that he’s the one doing the torturing and the victim is himself.





	Isolation

**Author's Note:**

> Written sometime in May
> 
> I started this fic as a vent, then continued and obviously had to give it a happy ending lol. This fic is pretty big on loneliness, depression, and includes an almost suicide attempt so pretty big trigger warning! Take care of yourselves ;*

Isolation.

Isolation is a lot of things. It’s something people do when those around them are dangerous, or when they need some alone time. It’s also used as a torture tactic-- humans are fundamentally social creatures, and depriving them of human contact is an easy way to break one’s psyche. To watch them slowly devolve into insanity, into fear and sleeplessness, into having hallucinations and crying themselves to sleep.

For John, it’s a lot like that, except that he’s the one doing the torturing and the victim is himself. 

  
The thing is, it’s just so… _ easy. _ It’s easy to start ordering groceries online because shopping is a pain, it’s easy to start using his phone to pay his bills, it’s easy to forget to reply to a message or promise his friends that he’ll be up for a recording session tomorrow, just not tonight, it’s easy to stop checking his twitter feed constantly or read the comments on his latest video.

It’s easy, easier than making the effort to shop and maintain friendships and connect with his audience and give warm smiles to strangers, and maybe that’s why he stops doing it in the first place. John’s always been lazy, he’s always looked for the easy way to do things. This is no exception.

It’s not like self isolation presents itself as this horrible thing, either. At first, it seems great. Not having to go out shopping or send out the mail gives him more time to sleep in, using old footage instead of recording new sessions means he can work on editing faster. Not having to constantly keep up with a million different group chats means that John can instead spend his evenings learning to cook a new recipe or catch up on his favorite shows. 

Being alone is seductive. It’s beautiful, it’s warm, it feels amazing to do whatever you want without having to worry about another person.

But then the loneliness sets in, and that’s when things get rough.

When suddenly, you realize that you can’t vent to your friends about your landlord being an ass because you haven’t talked to them in a week and you don’t have the courage to apologize. When you realize that you kind of miss the energy of sitting in a coffee shop on a cold weekday morning, just because everyone around you is doing something as you people watch. When you’ve caught up on all of those books or new episodes you wanted so desperately to see and now you just feel empty inside. When you stumble out of your bed at 2 in the afternoon, splashing cold water on your face to wake yourself up, and staring at yourself in the mirror and realizing that you’ve had no reason to keep up your appearance because you haven’t stepped foot out of your house in two weeks. 

Then you blink, and you’ve gone a month without uploads, a month without talking to a single soul, a month without sunshine on your skin, a month without anything to accompany you except for your own thoughts.

That’s the stage John is at now. The funny thing is, he remembers vowing to himself a few years ago, back when he was in college and learning to live alone, that he’d never let a depressive phase get the best of him again. Go down in a slump, sure, but never let it become as bad as it was before. The isolation, the constant sleeping, never shopping which led to running out of food, not stepping a foot outside. By the time he started to get better, he had already lost his first part time job, all of his friends, and almost got kicked out of school. 

Sure, he could’ve excused that those friends never cared because all they wanted to do was do drugs and shoplift, and that the school’s mental health resources sucked, and that many jobs are notorious for not caring about their employees, but it never made him feel any better. The humiliation, shame, sadness, and fear never left his heart.

Yet here he is, sitting alone in his living room with nothing but a packet of instant ramen, in sweatpants he’s worn for two weeks over, social media apps deleted because he can’t stand looking at the notifications, a whole two months without an upload.

He chuckles to himself, voice raspy and hoarse from lack of use. “Wow, no wonder people leave me. I’m so fucking useless.” Surprisingly, this is the first time he’s talked to himself. Which is weird to think about, because he usually talks to himself often to fill the silence. But this entire time, he didn’t. Too lonely to even pretend, perhaps.

The worst part about this is that you can’t just… avoid it. Or come back and pretend like everything’s okay. If--- or when, really, because he has bills to pay-- he returns to the land of the living, he’s going to have to own up. Apologize to his poor friends, his family, his fans. He’ll have to make up an excuse or tell the truth, which is kind of pathetic sounding to be honest.  _ I wanted to be alone and ended up getting in too deep and it just felt really awkward to come back.  _ Yeah, that’ll go over real well. And then he has to get used to recording and editing, going out, talking to people…

It’s so much. Life would be a lot easier if he could just live as a croissant. Why do people deal with him, again? It’s probably because they have to. He’s a terrible person and an even worse friend.

Perhaps it’s a blessing, or maybe a curse, that all of his friends are online. None of them live close enough to check in on him in person, which he’s glad about because he’s pretty sure he’d die of shame. He also knows, however, that having a friend visit and kick his ass into gear is probably what would keep him from tossing himself off the nearest building.

He winces at the joke. That’s grim even for him, but he realizes with a dawning horror that it actually sounds  _ feasible _ . 

He’s going to have to own up to his shit and probably deal with being abandoned again because of his own negligence, and judging by his track record, it’ll happen again. And again. And again.

What if it never gets better? What if his depressive spirals just repeat and he’ll be trapped in this endless hell forever?

It’s not like he’s never had suicidal thoughts or fantasies before. He’s had them so often that they don’t phase him at all anymore, but he’s never actually  _ seriously _ considered it as an option. Even in his worst times before, he always knew in the back of his mind that he’d never actually do it for one reason or another.

But now…

He could. He could leave right now and kill himself and nobody would know or stop him. He could end it all-- his pain, his suffering, the way he infects others with his negativity, all in the next hour. Because really, at this point, what’s truly stopping him except for his own thoughts?

It’s that thought that spurs him to move.

John stands up, leaving his ramen on the floor. He grabs the remote, turns off the tv. Goes into his room, boots up his computer for the first time in nearly a week, and patiently waits for it to run. Then, once he’s logged in, he hovers over the discord icon, chewing on his bottom lip. He contemplates whether it’d really be worth it or not, but finally decides that he should, opening it up. While discord logs him in, he rubs at his face. His hands are shaking. Finally, he’s logged on to see countless notifications from everywhere, group chats and direct messages alike. He ignores them and opens up his dms. He’s got them from everyone-- Wildcat, Mini, Fitz, Byze, Swagger, even people he talked to less like Zuckles and Delirious. Overwhelmed, he picks the most recent one, which is from SMii7y. His icon says that he’s away, and John’s fingers fly over the keyboard.

** Kryoz **

So, hi.. I uh. Know I havent talked to you in like… 2 months.. Sorry about that. Don’t really have any excuses, I’m just a coward. But I’ve decided not to be one anymore. 

He presses send a little too early. Fuck. Okay, whatever, he can continue his message.

Before he can, however, he can spot 3 dots along Smit’s profile picture. Double fuck.

**SMii7y**

John!!!!!!!11

Holy fuck, ive been so worried man

What the fuck happened??? What do you mean by not being a coward anymore??

John takes a deep breath. He can do this. It’s scary, but it needs to be done. Just this one last thing.

**Kryoz**

I’m sorry

**SMii7y**

??

John are you alright

Do i need to call someone?

John

Answer me please

You cant just reappear after 2 fucking months of radio silence to say some cryptic shit

Can he really do this? He types slowly, heart racing in fear. His face feels hot.

**Kryoz**

I need help, smit.

He exhales all of his breath at once. He can. Vulnerability isn’t something he’s ever liked to show to people, but the fact that he was honestly going to leave through his front door and never return before rerouting here at the last second genuinely terrifies him to his core. He was so fucking close to ending himself.

**SMii7y**

I’m.. sure you do. But I need more info. Can you tell me? Like, are you in any immediate danger? I need to know what’s going on, man. You’re scaring me.

**Kryoz**

Yeah, I’m scaring me, too. 

I wouldn't say im in immediate danger but uh

Lets just say i made a decision 5 minutes ago that could’ve killed me

**SMii7y**

What

Did you take pills? If so im calling the hospital asap 

**Kryoz**

Not like that

You know how ive dealt with suicidal thoughts and stuff in the past and depression and all that, but i havent been completely honest

I stopped going online or showing any signs of life because ive been depressed. Well, it didnt start as depression.. Or maybe it did and i just didnt notice. Whichever, i sunk deeper and deeper into it even though i told myself id never isolate myself and ruin everything ever again after the first time some years back

But i did! Because im fucking stupid. And i was a coward and couldnt face the music, i just hid and avoided it all even more which made everything worse… until now. I got to thinking, and i started thinking about killing myself. And like, even with my thoughts before, even at the most dire of times, i always knew id be too afraid to actually go through with it, you know? So i never paid much attention to it.

But this time… i didnt feel that. I was genuinely about to do something irreversible with no going back. But right before i got to my front door, i looked at the photo i had put up on the wall beside it

It was all of us, mini and tyler n evan n anthony n scotty and u get the point, from that last 4th of july thing. We all looked so happy to be there. I was smiling. I looked genuinely happy. And i saw how happy you all were too, and i just realized that i couldnt do that. I couldnt make myself do something that might erase those smiles off of your faces. So i turned around and came to my computer.

I was so fucking close to killing myself, smit. Im terrified that im actually capable of it and i dont know what to do. Im not going to try again and ill be fucking sure of that, but idk whats next

I know you guys probably hate me for leaving you and i cant blame you guys but holy fuck i couldnt be alone anymore 

**Smii7y**

..Oh. 

Holy shit. I’m so glad you didn’t go through with that, oh my fucking god. I nearly had a heart attack while reading that. I have no idea where I’d be without you man, and I’m not exaggerating. You’re my best friend and you’ve helped me through so much. I really wish you would’ve told me how bad things can actually get, but all that matters now is that I know and you’re relatively safe. 

John, we couldn’t hate you. None of us hate you, trust me. I’ve talked with everyone (yes, everyone) we know about you and we’ve all just been worried that you died or some shit. We were actually just a couple of days from sending Kugo to visit you, lol.

I guess our fears weren’t misplaced.. Im really sorry youve been going through this on your own :( Promise me you wont do anything to yourself for the next 13 hours. I love you so much, John. 

**Kryoz**

Why 13 hours?

**SMii7y**

Because im booking a flight to see you & the soonest one is some hours from now. 

**Kryoz**

.what

**Smii7y**

Im not leaving you alone after you admitted all that!! And you said you havent talked to anyone in a while, so why not ur bestie??? ;* <3 

But fr. i love you john, and so does everyone else. We won’t ever hate you for something like this, and your fans wont either. Ive checked in on them,theyre all just concerned. Theyre not going to be mad at you for explaining why you took a break, and if they do, ill fight them ^^

We care about you. I care about you. So let’s try and get things back on track, okay? Not immediately at once ofc.. But we could start by making a group chat with everyone if you want?

**Kryoz**

Wow youre being so nice to me its weird i dont trust it

**Smii7y**

Bitch im tryina help you because you nearly fucking offed yourself and thats hella scary m boutta straight up cry ;_;

**Kryoz**

There’s the smit i know and love

Sorry for scaring you

And uhh.. Sure. i guess i mean whats the worst that could happen other than them being tired of my shit and hating me ha h aa :^)

**Smii7y**

Dont apologize, im just so fucking glad you didn’t go through with that. Oh my fucking god. Literally shaking rn lol. 

U dont need to be scared man

If they give you shit ill call them out. Maybe it sounds fake but they were all just really concerned, they’re going to be so excited to see you again :)

**Kryoz**

Lmao thanks

Also i forgot to mention: yoURE COMING TO SEE ME FUCKING WHAT

I LOOK LIKE SHIT

**Smii7y**

Ive been depressed before john trust me nothing phases me

**Kryoz**

Hmmmm (insert thinking emoji here bc im too lazy to put it in even though this is taking more effort at this point tbh)

**SMii7y**

Im coming to see you and giving you the biggest fucking hug and that is final.anyways joinnn

**[You’ve been invited to join: JOHN’S BACK BABEY]**

**Kryoz**

Real fucking subtle there

Regardless, he clicks to join. Anxiety churns in his gut. So much has happened within the past 20 minutes, he’s not quite sure how to process it. In just a couple of days, he’s about to have gone from having no interaction whatsoever to returning online and having one of his closest friends visit him. What the fuck.

**Kryoz**

Hey

**Fitz**

JOHN HONEY MY WIFE YOURE BACK

IVE HAD TO RESORT TO TOBY BEING MY WIFE WHILE YOU WERE GONE 

IT SUCKED BECAUSE ALL HE DOES IS BITCH ABOUT BEING AMBIGUOUS 

**Tobyonthetele**

RUDE bitch

John is mine?? Obviously. Get fucked. John ily im so glad ur alive :^)

**MiniLadd**

😭😭😭 johnnnnnn

**SwaggerSouls**

Holy fucking shit where have you been i thought you deadass died and was getting kinda sad i had no one to bully in csgo tbh

**Fitz**

Wow swags learn some fucking manners for once will you

**SwaggerSouls**

Get fucked

**McCreamy**

Hey buddy!! This was a surprise to see but a welcome one, glad youre alive :)

**Zuckles**

Yeha cunt i kno were not like super close or nothin but man u freaked everyone out there and ur a chill guy so its good ur back

**Daithi de Nogla**

I shouldnt even be awake but i got the notification and came running

JOHN

Or should say.. Kyroz lol winky face

**Wildcat**

Fucking kyroz lmao daithi you suck. Anyways welcome to the land of the living johnny boy

**Grizzy**

daD YOURE BACK <3333 :D

**iNotorious**

Hey john, i know we havent really talked since like.. October now, oof, but im glad you’re back. We should talk again sometime, you’re a cool guy. 

**BYZE**

John u fuck. Where have u been i will stab u ur like 60% of the people i play games wth dude ;_; but fr im crying tears of joy that my boy is alive

**Jaayy**

Yeah basically what he said ^^

**OhmWrecker**

Im too wasted to be awake rn but imglad youre alive man and goodnightt

**BigJigglyPanda**

You fucks have used up all the good wording what the hell am i supposed to say now??

**fourzer0seven**

Umm that youre glad he's back?? Obvs sweaty :// and since anthony wont do it ill do it for both of us. We’re glad to see you again john xoxo

**BigJigglyPanda**

Hmm die mayhaps?

**McCreamy**

This is way more people than i expected to show up omg

Uh, didnt mean to send shade or anything

**Basicallyidowrk**

LOL 

I dont need 2 say anything because why else would i be here except to be happy tbh. i know we don't talk much but it's good to see you man.

**Kryoz**

Well... this is overwhelming to say the least

**Smii7y**

Yeah sorry probably shouldve said that i really did mean EVERYONE

Or at least those i could get my hands on, hehe. 

** Kryoz **

Why and how the fuck are you all awake and active right this moment

**Tobyonthetele**

What can we way?? We love u just that much

**MiniLadd**   
And we have no lives

**Fitz**

Yeah that too

**Kryoz**

Do you all even know each other?? What the fuck

**Wildcat**

Nope! Well i know of everyone but havent really talked with like. Everyone. You know

**SwaggerSouls**

Well now’s a great time ;)

**Wildcat**

Are you propositioning me

**SwaggerSouls**

No im propositioning Marcel

**Zuckles**

LMAOO MONKAS

**Basicallyidowrk**

Buy me a drink first at least ://

**F** **itz**

If you except swags to be anything except a fuckboy im so sorry

**BYZE**

So what happened exactly? You don't have to tell us if it's personal, but you worried us dude.

**Kryoz**

A lot but basically i was like “oh cool! Self isolation!” and then got depressed but was too afraid to come back which led to more depression until i had a moment of realization, bit the bullet, and returned

**Jaayy**

Aw im sorry dude :(

**Fitz**

I think we’ve all been there. Not to discredit you, but that you have no reason to fear. I’ve disappeared for long ass times and my fanbase is fine.

**iNotorious**

Or you can even look at me, lol.. The loyal fans will stay. Your mental health should always come first 

**Kryoz**

True.. thanks guys. I think ill go to bed now though, this is kind of exhausting haha.

**SwaggerSouls**

Goodnight man, if you have those problems again you can always talk to me.

**Tobyonthetele**

Or me!

**Fitz**

Or me?? Hello?? Im the best at giving advice

**Zuckles**

Thats true actually

**Miniladd**

Listen, as his oldest friend, i think i get first dibs 

**Smii7y**

This is what y’all really choose to fight over huh

**BigJigglyPanda**

Apparently. Night, john. Hope things turn out better for you.

**Kryoz**

Goodnight 

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone :)

He closes the chat, which is already continuing to blow up, and is about to log off when Smii7y dms him again.

**SMii7y**

Are you gonna tell anyone else the whole story?

You don’t have to or anything, just wondering. Kugo can still come visit too if it’ll help.

**Kryoz**

Makes me uncomfortable but i guess i should.. Or at least with those I’m really close to like Cam and Mini. And kugo can come, he always buys me food which is VERY promising

**SMii7y**

Wow ur a gold digger, cant believe it smh ://

Yeah that sounds like a plan man!! I gtg because ive got a flight to catch and I have to sort things out but I’ll see you soon :)

**Kryoz**

Ohh yeah forgot about that already lol

See you soon!

And it’s with that that he finally logs off for the night.

“Holy fucking shit,” he says out loud. In less than a day, he’s gone from straight up about to kill himself to realizing that he has friends and that, even better, they’re not gonna leave him!

He stares down at his stained sweatpants in disgust. The only thing now is that he needs some rest and to get ready for Smitty to arrive, but it might be good to start showering again.

He stands up, stretching his body as he gets ready for bed.

Life isn’t perfect, not by a long shot. He’s sure he’ll have to go into detail more about nearly killing himself and probably get a therapist and it’ll take time for him to get used to having so many things to do again, but.. He has support, now. Where others failed him before, this time he still has a job and friends to go back to. People who won’t leave him because they actually understand.

And, for the first time in his life, he’s managed to stop himself from making things worse. He doesn’t need to be both the torturer and the victim anymore. He can learn to be better, starting with help from his online friends and Smit and Kugo. It won't be an easy road to go down, but considering his other options, he'll take it.

As he slips into bed, John's heart is finally filled with hope.


End file.
